For a Moment

I got my hair chopped off today... And Nick got his endowments last night...
So I should be thrilled, happy, excited, ecstatic...
I... Am so totally none of those things that it's not funny...

I am thoroughly depressed, I want to bawl.. and I don't understand why... I saw the collar of Nick's garment and my heart broke.. I feel like he's not even mine anymore... I feel sick when I wanna ask questions about it... It's a horrid lonely feeling like one I've never felt.. It's dread and loneliness and sorrow...all wrapped up into one.

He doesn't like my hair... No one does... I just wanna curl up into a ball and be living somewhere else, in another time, where I'm happy and peaceful...

I feel like utter crap.. Like nothing could pull me out of this rut...

I feel sick, pathetic, horrid, wretched, depressed, crushed, hopeless, lifeless.......

Dear God


       I need my prayer heard. I need you.
Please, Lord, hear this... Let this world begin to heal quickly. Let those dying and sick find rest and peace and health and wellness.
Let those at war find peace and serenity. Let those corrupt be washed clean. Let those angry be consoled and shown your light. Let those that are bad to the core, to the utter core, be cleansed, let them be happy. Please fix this world. There are those that would have you taken out of our schools our government our sports our hearts... But there are those that remain loyal to you and pray to you and learn of you and of your son. Please, help not just those that know you, help all of them. Help mankind. Clean us, not through catastrophe, through profoundness. Please end murder and hunger and rape and sorrow and disease and hurt and anger and jealousy and betrayal. Help the wicked, help the good. All of these things I pray, Lord, in your son's name, Amen.

Stressful week...
BUT- Notecards are done!!!! FOREVER!! and so is my Psychology presentation!! Thank Heavens!!!
But more to what this post is about. After this insanely stressful, jam packed week of HELL.. Friday was good. Supper with Nick and his mum was eventful & despite every word that came out of her mouth I really did like her... I cant spell it, there's no use trying. something katsu *nods*
Anywho, tied raffia on bubbles and watched a movie that was really good :) I'm glad they forced me to watch it. Hahaha ;) well eventually his mom went upstairs and went to bed...We cuddled on the couch for a while... it was lovely.. and then we went into his bedroom. *sigh* I can't help but love the feeling of my legs tangled with his, my skin against his, me pressed up against him, him touching me, holding me, me touching him, holding him... Gah I love being so close to him, I love being able to talk to him... But as much as I love doing bad things or good things or ANY things with him... I'm always afraid he's going to be upset or sad or hate on himself... But last night... Last night I was filled with so much happiness that it's completely overwhelming. He asked what I thought of it. I answered with nothing but the truth. It was amazing. And I asked what he thought of it.... and he said... that he thought it was.... amazing. I was sure my heart was going to burst *sigh*
and today.. it did. I wanted to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.

Nick got his mission call today. It's been something I've dreaded for such a long time... Losing him.. Is going to kill me, but I'll be able to persevere... I think that's why I was exposed to every bad relationship I've ever had. I think it's why I was exposed to Cade..... To prepare me for the biggest seperation in my life so far. I'll be leaving for college, so I'll be away from my family... And Nick is leaving me... For two years. The object of my love and affection and admiration and heart.... He's leaving me... I'll find out to where at 9:30... Africa is the joke place.. But I think he'll be going somewhere in South America.... I love him... I want to be with him ALWAYS. Always and always and always.... I want him to be happy and I want him to go on his mission... but I want to go with him... I don't want to be away from him... I love him so much... and because he wants to go... That's the only reason I'm standing for it. Because it is what he wants. *sigh* I've got to start to be strong now or else I'll suffer a heartbreak so emmense.... It's unthinkable. But 2 years isn't that long... I want him back, yet I won't waste my college years. No sirrie I surely won't.

But tonight was lovely as well, though short. I explained my situation with my dad and how he would feel if I were to become a member... we talked about such random strange things. Private things that normally one wouldn't tell to the opposite sex. He even commented on how I obviously looked forward to having kids. I asked why he thought so and he just showed me how much he pays attention lol. He said that even though I state and know the pains of child bearing and child birth I never speak of it negatively. He's right. I do look forward to having kids, having a family, a house... Most of all I look forward to having him as my husband, being able to spend the rest of my life with him.


I'll be ok... I really will... Because he and I will end up together and live a happy life :)

I'm sleepy now.... & probably fixing to move my legs up higher on Nick. & Now that's achieved. & I'm still sleepy. I feel slightly ...ok more than slightly... bad....
I shouldn't expect things I want. I really shouldn't. A smile.... Wanting of me.... Loving.... A fiery passion.... I'm extremely stupid. *sigh* it's fine though. Now I'm going to watch TV with Nick & try to converse before he has to leave... I am a silly girl..... Silly for thinking anyone would notice me.

1.  Wal-Mart's currently renovating... It's strange. They have a dance floor going on by the pharmacy!! :)  I think it's a bit weird and will DEFINITELY take some getting used to, but hopefully, I shall.
2.  Now that that's out of the way, I'm not sure what I have to say... It's very nice out today, So down I shall lay... & take a nap. Yeah, rhyming thing going on there briefly. I'm strange.

Mom and I are thinking about planting some creeping phlox around the trees in the front yard or doing something with it, it's so pretty!!! And I can't believe it's supposed to snow this weekend. :( makes me sad. I'm very much enjoying this weather and would rather like it to stay this way, as I'm sure would a lot of people. *sigh* oh well.
I really need to be doing my homework, which I probably will eventually do sometime tonight because I REALLY need to get caught up in Physics x.x bleh physics. And I need to start on my Psychology stuff x.x bah EBSCO. lol but anywho.. I can't seem to focus on homework. Blasted senioritis :) and... other things that keep lurking in my mind.. but are, fortunately, for the time being, simmering down. ;) And maybe with those thoughts quieting down I'll be able to do some stuff around the house! Lol but honestly, my thoughts aren't THAT much of an interferance with other stuff I need to get done, just a little bit of one ;)

Bejamin Franklin.....
We are not friends. Blasted Daylight Savings.... lol but I for one didn't lose any sleep, because mom let us sleep in today & threw Thor in the room with us when Harold came over xD Thor delights in laying on my legs.

Well, anyway, off of my ramblings. I need to go do homework x.x bleh.

I'm sleepy right now! Blah! I don't wanna be! Who would want to be tired on a Saturday night??? No one! But alas, I am tired.

But tonight was such an amazing night. Nick came over and we got to lay on my bed and watch Red vs. Blue and parts of Happy Gilmore and The Wedding Singer. I love him soooo much! I mean, I've never felt that comfortable with anyone else in my entire life. Just, when he smiles, it gives me butterflies... I really really love him and I love feeling this way, so happy, so curious, so accepting. I take happiness from him looking at me, holding my hand, scooting closer to me when I eat... Sometimes he hurts me, but I can't help but get over it freakishly quickly because I realize it's never intentional. He loves me and loves to see me happy and be by my side.. There's nothing more I could ask for in a man. He truly is my knight in shining Armour. I wish he were here right now and didn't have to go home so early  on a Saturday night, but I do understand the fact that he has to get up early to go to church and that he can't nap as awesomely as I can during the day. I wish I could spend every day with him, for the rest of my life and never have to be separated from him. It truly is inevitable. We were meant to be, and I couldn't be happier with anyone else in the whole wide world :)

Sometimes I wonder.. Sometimes it lingers in my mind to wonder at his words... Sometimes... I feel such a sense of annoyance radiating from the words he texts me. If he's in a bad mood it's easy to tell... But sometimes I feel... Like he's bored... with me. What do I do with that? How can I go from such an amazing feeling of being loved and complete and excited for the day he comes back and I can make him proud and awed at the fact that I will have done all I could to be a Mormon, to a feeling of him feeling bored and annoyed with me...
I just really really wanna cry... I do. and rejoice.
I want him soooo so bad. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. *sigh*

I don't know what I'm thinking.

I feel silly. And happy. And strange. And unwanted. And loved.

And I just want to lay down and let the feeling of love wash over me and get rid of this doubt and anxiety and feeling of stupidity.

 

I want to lay down.. and sleep. I want to dream of the day when I can smile and be with him for the rest of my days. That's what I want right now. Not sarcastic, short words that make me feel worthless. I want a warm arm around me and a hand holding mine. And I want to lay down, in peace, at peace, with love surrounding me.

*sigh*

Maybe I'm just too analytical. Or maybe I'm just analytical enough to see the things he doesn't want me to see... Or maybe I'm paranoid. I don't think anyone's out to get me... But I'm just... I'm just so in love with him... That when he says little things like "when we marry"... I grin like an idiot and my whole self is flooded with warmth.

Oh well. Maybe soon I'll get rid of all this stupidity and only feel that Love.
 

Anger is irrational. It fuels so many bad thoughts.
So I wonder, how come the human find processes and feels anger, sometimes tolerably, as an annoyance, sometimes greatly, as hatred.
To be quite honest, I don't understand.
But right now, I'm the one who has this irrational anger lurking in my chest.
Someone- no names will be used- has pissed me off in the extreme. & if said person were to break a bone right now and cry, I wouldn't care. I honestly would not care.
If they were to slam their finger in a door and scream and cuss and bawl. I would not care.
I could NOT care less.
And I hope that one day this person realizes how much he or she hurts me. I hope he or she stands there, watching me walk straight out of their life, and knows that I won't ever come back. I hope that he or she realizes that they are a monster.
I hope that they find out how bad it hurts to be treated so badly.
And they will find out.
I want to leave this place and I will. Only a few short more months and I'll be so far gone it won't be funny. I want to be able to stay with Nick. I love him..
But damn, I want out of this stupid hell-hole that my family calls a house. I want to pay for my own utilities and my own rent. I want to get a good paying job. I want to punch him in the face.
I want to curl up and cry, but I will never let him see me cry, because he is the worst kind of man on the face of the earth. He is filth. He is too lowly to give a second thought to. I hope he can feel my anger radiating in his direction. I hope he gets shocked by a shock collar.

I'm fixing to start making a playlist.. :p reasons staying inside my head however. lol

Everything Changes - Staind
Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard
Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
Believe - Staind
That's What You Get - Paramore
Dig - Incubus
You Are The One - Shiny Toy Guns
A Decade Under The Influence - Taking Back Sunday
Who'd Know - Lily Allen
Save Tonight - Eagle Eyed Cherry
Settle For A Slowdown - Dierks Bentley
I Think I Love You - Partridge Family
Realize - Colbie Caillat
On The Way Down - Ryan Cabrera
One Last Kiss - Madina Lake
Sidewalk As She Walks - Alexisonfire
If I Had Eyes - Jack Johnson
Wild World - Cat Stevens
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
With You - Linkin Park
Down And Out - Tantric
My Paper Heart - All American Rejects





---------------
I'll finish later

So yesterday, left for Sallisaw, bad mood had lessened quite a bit.. And ya know, I'm still really not sure why I was in such a bad mood... But I just really felt the urge to argue with a freakin brick wall I was so... blah lol. I was also really sad.. :( But there was a reason for that :p
Well anyway, sorry for the digression.
Left for Sallisaw and Nick, myself, Megan and Redhead were listenin to our Ipods and frequently comparing tunes :p and Nick was all fat n sassy bout the fact that he has more songs on his Ipod than I have on mine. :p noob. It rained on the way there so we were trapped in the humid and hot bus for a bit, couldn't even crack the windows. lol But I didn't mind. :)
By the time we got there I was about to cry I had to go to the bathroom so bad. xD Still, not as bad as that time coming back from Maryetta(sp?)
Twas still a very fun night! Though I was pretty sad we didn't go down to tunnel. And those poor boys got whooped.. Oh well. Sallisaw's band was HUGE AND awesome.. It was definitely a sight to see - all the brass playing and all the woodwinds dancing.. Lol, but we did do some dancing of our own. And I mean a LOT of our people danced ^^ I was so proud of them! Lol I also think the percussion tried to go as fast as they could on, I forget which cadence, so that the cheerleaders would like, spontaneously combust if they  tried to keep up lol! But then it rained... and rained... and rained... And i got to tell both Nick and megan, IN THE RAIN, that I loved them. most ardently. Twas greatness. Lol. But I didn't mind being wet, it was fun! ^^ and the ride back home was good, got to snuggle with my love. And then the boys unloaded the trailer and me and jami sat on the curb and talked and waited on sir Nicholas, who thought I was still inside >< But then we all went our separate ways and Jami and I verbally attacked Jordan, Nick gave Sam a ride home, then I headed over there, secretly of course xD...
Then I headed home and we talked via text/net for a while... ^^ so all in all, very good ending to a not so good day

:) last night was.. in short, great. Lol. Though i don't have much to put in words on here, I know that it was one of the most embarrassing but.. not really.. experiences of my life.
I found that what I liked very much was just sitting on my porch with the boy (yes, I'm referring to you as "the boy"). It made me happy :)
But question after question keeps popping into my mind.. I keep pushing him to tell me things, or ask me things.. But how come I don't push myself as much? :p bah, seems as though I'm scared, but I'm not really sure why.. Most of the things I want to ask are simply speculative.. Just random things that pop into my head and I apparently never find the right time to ask them... :p its a bit irritating.. Oh well. I mean really, even if I had all the time in the world, would I find the time to ask?

Last night was rather fun! Haha, though, I'll admit, I could've very well done without Megan flipping out. Yes, yes, I understand that we were all trying to tell her where to go, and yes, it was raining hard... but honestly. If she was that scared of putting our lives in danger, she should've let someone else drive, or just pulled over til the storm eased a bit. *sigh* oh well.. But needless to say, I will be driving, or Nick will next time we go up there haha :p wish he still had the hobo van xD see, now THAT would've been interesting.
But that aside, the botanical gardens were... :) lovely... I'd like to take another trip up there sometime and walk bricktown again lol xD the 3D dungeon was hilarious lol and so was the gangsta gargoyle lol!
To be perfectly honest, I wish it had lasted a bit longer, and that the rain would've held off so that we didn't have to leave so soon.. x.x but omg... jared raping casady ashcraft up front seat was kinda hysterical... But honestly, I was kind of offended that Mrs. Ashcraft made a wise crack about me and Nick... I'm not one of her little track girls, and it kinda made me wanna just freaking RAPE Nick just to spite her. But anywho...
The part of the play that we watched... frankly... um... deterred my interest... lol
But overall- good night :)
Hmm.... Way too much was going through my mind though.. But mostly it was optimistic thinking ;p

Nicholas...

Know that what I am sharing with you now, I'm only just strong enough to handle the embarrassment it's going to cause me. Hahaha.. I have never... never EVER shared any of this with any other human... Yeah, basically I trust you that much. Lol, that and the fact that I want to give you anything you wanna know before you leave me! Though... Truth be told... There are just some things, memories and thoughts, that I can't bare to share with you until I know I have to... I mean really, how could I find the strength to tell you the deepest things in my heart? Ha, I don't think I could do that unless you like, looked at me and really wanted it and asked for it.. I mean, I'd tell you.. But my deepest fear is how you'll react ya know.. Self conscious and afraid. Sorry lol. I mean, what if I told you and you didn't like me? Wooah.. Jeez. Though, I suppose it doesn't matter, cuz my time with you's limited anyway ;) But basically what's unprivated is just the embarrassing ones and not the really really deep dark ones except for a few lol. Those are a bit sad and just encompass a lot of crap, so I'd only subject you to those if you were really really really curious about depressing crap i've gone through, wish i wish you wouldn't be... lol So please... only ask when you're POSITIVE that you want to know about all the bad lol. Ok, Ok, I need to stop being an emo and blabbering... jeez. But anywho...
When you read this, you'll have already talked to me from getting back obviously so I can give you my username!
But just in case I don't say it thoroughly enough when you get back..
I Hope you had an amazingly wonderful time over there and that everything was perfect, and seeing your dad was a blast, and seeing your sisters was just as awesome and that you and your mom got along and that everything was beautiful and it was nice and cool and maybe even a little misty. I hope you got brilliant pictures and enjoyed seeing new places and faces and scenes! I hope you felt well the whole time there and had a lot of fun!! I hope you didn't miss me too much! Ha! like you would! ;) I hope that y'all found a church over there and had a safe trip coming home. I love you.

Anywho. Read on Nick, Read on!



~Love, Aly

Okie dokie... here's how its gonna go Nick... I may or may not edit some stuff out.. I mean heck lol some stuff is just too embarrassing to relive x.x but If you have any questions whatsoever about any of this... shoot, and I'll try my very best to answer...

OKOK, so, its been up and downs and up and downs and finding out secrets and inner feelings and such..
frontier city
getting closer to nick
meggy getting her hair cut
fourth is friday woot woot
just, lots and lots of stuff :D soooooooo much has gone on lately that i haven't really had time (well i've had time, i just haven't been in the mood) to write about x.x
Frontier City was the shiz... duuuude it was so much fun! Nick rode the silver bullet!!! i was so proud of him!!! lol and we all rode the rapids thing like fifty times XD all n all it was an uber fun day except for the terrible twister x.x oh dear God that thing made me siiiiiiiick
but we basically stayed there all day, and it wasn't a bit crowded! it was awesome!!! and then afterwards we went to Pops which is this really cool little place on Route 66. it. was. awesome. !!!!!!!!! there were so many different types of Pop that i thought my head would esplode. yes. esplode. not explode. xD lol well, I got a tshirt but still wore my wet clothes so i could cling to my wet boyfriend xD lol
he's an excellent heater loool
But eventually we went home :(
but still! all n all, it was an awesome day :)

I'm tired at the moment and will write more tomorrow or whenever i get to it lol xD

anywho.


~Fin

So... I'm guessing you found my LJ eh nick?
:p
feel satisfied
YOU DONT GET TO SEE MY MOST RECENT POST...cuz im not done with it...
so...
HAH
.... at least while you read this, I can die in peace, far away from you... lol
yeah... death by blush won't be pleasant i'm fairly sure...
*sigh*

HAVE FUN AT MY EXPENSE!!!
 
btw... this is the newer version of my "diary"
:p
the older stuff i'll put on here and let you see some other time, or later tonight :p i just have to remember my other password lol

btw... some stuff :/ u might not get, cuz of inside jokes

<3

You would tell me, "No one is allowed to be so proud- They never reach out when they're giving up!"

Pride.
Hurt.
Happiness....

None of it matters now.
It was the straw that broke the camel's back....
And now.... I'm done with you.

A Touch can't bring you back now. It's far too late and you're far too gone down the river of Death.

Dunno where that quote came from, heard it somewhere I think xD or dreamed it.

I feel like I'm ripping to shreds....
I hate it all. I just want to stop and walk away from everything. Let me just walk into darkness... Please just let it overwhelm and consume me wholly.
Do I have any angels left?
Or have they all fled before my anger and pain?
Maybe I can find salvation in hopelessness.
Maybe in the darkness where I can die....

There's a lit cigarette:in the hand of my new angel
she's blowing smoke like halos, and now everybody wants her
but I shouldn't even bother
because you made me so complete dear, but you left me so alone here
hang a noose for my new sinner somewhere everyone can see it

won't you beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure (risking failure)
go run for cover (for how long)
you better start to love her so much you're moving on and on

now there's a whole wide world...that wants to know
have cheap hotels lost their turn-on? she's bathing in the neon
and she's polluting all the airways while I'm passed out in the hallway
and you left me so in love here, you left with so much hate dear
was I creating only chaos-this world lives just fine without us:won't you?

beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure (risking failure)
go run for cover (for how long)
you better start to love her so much you're moving on and on

will it change your life if I change my mind?
when she's lit the whole wide world
I want to know if you will beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure, (risking failure) but I'd hope you set your levels (for how long)
so you can run for cover
you better fucking love her
now are we this pathetic? you made me finally see it
(will it change your life when I change my mind, will it change your mind when I change my life)

go run for cover
you better fucking love her so much you're moving on
I'm so pathetic, you made me finally see it
got what you want? I'm gone

for how long? for how long? for how long will it change your life?